Resident Evil 0: PARODY ZERO
by Reiko N Josh
Summary: Resident Evil: PARODY prequal... Taking things back even before the mansion incident... Rebecca Chambers must work together with super macho ego man Billy Coens in a desperate hope to survive the events leading upto Resident Evil: PARODY 1.. R&R
1. Chapter 1

Resident Evil Zero: Parody

Okay, so I recently bought this game and I kind of like it, I heard its the hardest one in the series and well... I have nothing better to do at night other then update. Alright so heres the first chapter of RESIDENT EVIL ZERO

Chapter 1: The Evil Express

It had started out a pretty normal day in Raccoon City, several "Unusual" murder cases had occurred recently, reports of fiendish people-eating monsters had reached the public.. S.T.A.R.S. (Stupid Tactically Arranged Reckless Suicide) Bravo team was dispatched the following night... Rebecca Chambers, a rookie new recruit and a medicine specialist is about to embark on what will be her second most terrifying night ever...

Rebecca sat in the seat of the Helicopter reading the intro "Does anybody else get the feeling like we're in danger here..?" she asked nervously

The teams demolitions expert laughed and slapped her on the back "Don't worry rookie, we'll take good care of you." he said with a smile

Rebecca blushed "Yeah... Um... Why are we here again?" she asked

Richard smiled "Well isn't it obvious! We're here to kill the man-eating monsters!"

Rebecca looked at him "Oh yeah! Lets send Bravo team out in the middle of the night to fight monsters! Cause thats TOTALLY the best time to fight monsters in a dark forest with 9mm hand guns and 1 box of ammo!" she exclaimed

Forest smirked "I have a grenade launcher..." he bragged

Rebecca was quiet for a moment before mummbling "Fuck you sir..."

Kevin the pilot turned around holding out a can of beer "Anybody want the last beer?" he asked

Rebecca blinked "How many of those have you had..?" she asked nervously

Kevin looked down at the empty cooler "Oh...uh... A few.." he mummbled accidently hitting the Helicopters "blow up the engines button" on the dash board "WHO THE HELL PUTS A BLOW UP THE ENGINES BUTTON ON A HELICOPTER!" screamed Rebecca as the Helicopter crash landed into the forest

XXX FLASH BACK XXX

The head technician for Suicide industry stood up looking at a man with Blonde hair and sunglasses "Well... Its all set.. Sign here please" he said holding out a paper.

The man obviously known as Albert Wesker smirked as he signed "Glad to.." he said with a smug tone before walking away.

The Suicide technician scratched his head for a moment "Where did I leave my cooler?"

XXX END FLASHBACK XXX

Once everybody turned out to be alright, they all stepped out of the Helicopter except for Kevin who was too wasted to go anywhere.

Captain Enrico stood up "Alright! Spread out and search! And if you die then please die quietly! I don' want any god damn paper work on my desk in the morning!" he exclaimed as he noticed something near by, there was a truck turned upside down, bloody corpses strewn about.

"Captain! look!" Rebecca pointed to the armored truck.

"God DAMNIT Rebecca! Could you have waited 5 fucking minutes without pointing out the obvious evidence!" he shouted

Rebecca picked up a clip board reading over the prisoner information.

"Billy Coen.. Ex Marine...Convicted of murdering 23 communists, 16 natzi's and 2 ice cream men..." She was cut off by Enrico "That sick bastard! Those men were just doing their jobs..And that bastard killed them and escaped!" He growled

Rebecca blinked "Um actually sir..It looks like they crashed..." she said pointing out a plot hole

Erico growled "Damnit Rebecca! What did I tell you about stating the obvious!" he said before looking around "Alright guys... I feel confident that splitting up in a forest in the middle of the night with a killer loose is the best solution... Our target is cold and ruthless! Do NOT let your gaurd down!"

Rebecca blinked as she thought 'I'm so going to get raped..'

XXXXX

Rebecca walked quietly through the forest, her flashlight aimed forward as she hummed the pink panther theme song while she walked, she came upon a train abandoned in the forest "A train..?" she asks as she slowly walked towards it, the night sky beginning to darken as a downpour of rain began to fall she stopped "Oh wow... Im going to ignore all common sense that this train is dangerous and go in anyway..." she said as she climbed into the train looking around "Hello?" she called out as she walked down the row of cars, there was blood stains all over the seats, bags were scoured everywhere.

As she entered the next passenger car she looked around, there were dead corpses sitting in the seats as she blinked "Oh god... Its true... You really do soil yourself when you die.." she mummbled as she covered her mouth and nose. She slowly began walking down the row, the tension in the air so thick one could almost get killed if they didn't see it coming...

Before Rebecca knew it, one of the dead passengers had stood up, a moan of despair escaping its lips as it walked towards her, she aimed her pistol at it realizing another one rose to its feet behind her. "Bitch! Don't point that gun at me.." moaned the first soiled dead man, Rebecca opened fire putting a bullet into his chest "UNG!... You whore! Can you believe she shot me?" he complained, the other one moaned as he staggered towards her "I saw it but I don't believe it either..I mean does she even know how much these suits cost?" he moaned Rebecca screamed as she unloaded a whole clip into the both of them, the two men dropping dead for the very second time.

"I...I thought they were dead.." she whispered the obvious to herself "Well obviously we're dead! Half my face is missing you bitch! And now you've Killed me AGAIN!" complained the second man before rebecca kicked him "Your SUPPOSED to be dead again god damnit!" she shouted angrily before walking into the next passenger car.

Rebecca slowly walked down the hallway of the train car, she turned a corner and found a dead man holding an item. "Oh wow...Thats...Thats fucking shiney and obvious as hell!.." she exclaimed as she picked it up.

"Rebecca recieved the Train Key"

The words apeared on the screen as Rebecca blinked but said nothing for a long moment, her common sense finally resolving with her to mummble "Evil..." as she turned around

Billy Coen stood there quietly aiming a gun at her "Hey Doll face..?" he asked before pausing "oh wow...That was incredibally sexist..." he mummbled cursing Capcom for its macho male roles.

Rebecca stood up "Im a member of...You know what..Fuck the speech..Your under arrest.." she said as she decided to get to the point. Billy smirked "I love me a chick who can use hand cuffs.." he said with a wink

Rebecca blushed and smiled nervously "I'm just in the wrong place at the wrong time so heh...just walk away ignorantly and we'll call it even" she said dismissively waving her hand.

Billy shrugged as he turned and walked off "I'll pretend I said some really macho things before I leave.." he said

Rebecca sighed in relief as she decided to go after him after realizing she just killed the story. She came to a type writer in one of the passenger cabins, she decided to type up her progress incase her team found this type writer.

Rebecca/ 01 / Cabin/ 1-25-12

Rebecca smiled after she was done, she knew she had to find Billy and soon...

"Hey sweet cheeks" Billy said as he stood in the door way blocking the exit.

Rebecca walked out of the passenger cabin as a shattering of glass was heard, one of her partners had been tossed through the window. "Oh my god! Are you okay?" she asked as she rushed over to his side.

"Do I look okay to you?" he asked with a groan "I...I bet Forest..20 dollars that...That I could jump through the window..ugh...Resident Evil 5 style.." he said weakly, his failed attempt left him bleeding badly.

Rebecca kneeled down beside him "You idiot... Every true Resident Evil fan knows the 5th game didn't come out till after this one.." she said quietly as she began trying to help him.

"Rebecca...T..Theres monsters...In the forest.." he said quietly before dying quietly.

Rebecca sighs "Thanks for the obvious statement..." she mummbled just as a dog jumped through the window, a sinister growl upon its face.

"Holy shit a monster! Who knew?" she exclaimed before unloading a couple rounds into the canine zombie.

"Damn..." she mummbled as she looked at her fallen partner and walked off, her path heading away from the train car and into the rear of the train.

Suddenly Billy came in behind her, blocking the doorway with his swagg.

"What the hell do you want you piece of shit?" Rebecca yelled in irritation

"Woah...Calm down girl..I havent even said anything yet.." he said holding out his hands

Rebecca sighed and rubbed her head "Sorry.." she mummbled

"Bitch.." he commented

"FUCK you SIR!" she exclaimed angrily

"Does the princess need any assistance?" he asked like a true macho man of Capcom

Rebecca sighs "Look.. I don't think its apropriate for us to carry on a Capcom tradition of Male and Female partnership so I'm going to leave you standing down here okay..?" she asked before walking up the steps, her gun drawn while she looked at a man who was eating a fine dinner. "Evil!" she screamed as she shot him in the head.

The man exploded, a mass swarm of leeches heading towards her. "Oh god no hentai fags!" she screamed as they began covering her body, a swift gun shot heard as several of the leaches dropped dead.

"Eek! We surrender!" they screeched as they all ironically dropped dead together with no questions asked.

"Are you okay?" Billy asked smuggly

Rebecca looked at them "Yeah...Thanks.." she mummbled as she looked up to him giving him a thumbs up while she caught her breath. her eyes looking over the dead leeches cautiously her only thoughts dwindelled on where they came from and what was going on...

END OF CHAPTER 1


	2. Chapter 2 Choo Choo Kaboom

Authors Note: Well, honestly I havent played this game more then 30 minutes and I last saved after the train crashed so I still have a ways to go in this story before I have to play again. As for the reviews I got so far, the last one I read kind of inspired me to update quicker so haha, let the obvious plot hole bashing begin!

P.S. Not sure how outragously funny this one will be since I can't remember much but I promise to make up for it in the next chapter, I am going to finish the train part in this chapter and from there I will play some of the game and then type some of the story so that I don't miss a SINGLE plot hole to bring comic relief to the viewers so R&R lol

Disclaimer: I do not own resident evil, the following is a fan based PARODY that points out the many things that wander around the mind of a woman as she plays this game, all characters are property of Capcom and I only delight in the pure un adulterated bashing of their personalities.

Last time: Rebecca had embarked on a mission to aprehend the Murderous Evil doer Billy Coen who turned out not to be evil but instead a super ego Jack ass. That aside Billy and Rebecca now are onboard a train of monsters that unknown to them are the act of a major corporation responsible for Bio Naughtiness. What could POSSIBLY go wrong?

Chapter 2: Evil Choo Choo Kaboom!

Rebecca looked at Billy "What now?" she asked as she reloaded her pistol.

"Well theres CLEARLY no reason at all why we should get the hell out of here now, so lets search the train." he stated clearly.

Just as they were about to continue on their way, the train began moving, a loud steam horn was heard as the train came to life.

"The train is moving..." Rebecca said quietly

"Thank you Madam obvious" Billy said as he looked out the window "The train seems to be moving rather quickly... Lets go check the engine car." he said

Rebecca nodded "Alright, I'll climb out this window" she said before reaching out and clutching the ladder, pulling herself up. Billy after finishing off the expensive whine on the table followed her. The wind on top of the train was blowing dangerously as the rain pounded their faces, the speed of the train was out of control, clearly this was the safest path to take rather then kicking in locked doors.

"Rebecca!" Shouted billy as they made their way forward

"What?" she screamed as she watched the tree's fly by at 3 times the speed of blinking.

"Dont fall!" Billy shouted

"Now look who's being obvi-OHMIGOD!" she screamed as the roof caved in under her. The room she was in was rather dusty, there were various items scattered about but the doors apeared to be locked.

"Thanks for grabbing me JACK ASS!" she shouted sarcastically

"I'm going to go on ahead!" he exclaimed before making his way back the way he came.

"Your going to leave me here?" she exclaimed

"Did I stutter?" he asked before leaving.

"FUCK you SIR!" She called out as she flipped the bird while stomping her foot

XXX Rebecca XXX

Rebecca looked around, there was a can of first aid spray on the shelf and a key. She walked over to the door and turned the knob.

'Its locked, something apears to be in the key hole, if only Rebecca had something sharp' the words apeared

Rebecca blinked and rubbed her eyes, the words had vanished as she looked around "Evil..." she mummbled before taking the Key and looking at it, there was just something about the key she didn't want to look at. "I'll just put this key in here.." she said putting it in the dumb weighter, she then noticed a can of first aid spray, she decided since she was a little hurt from the fall she could use it.

XXX COMERCIAL BREAK XXX

Hey everybody! Are you tired of getting chunks bitten out of your body? Are you sick and tired of having pipes lodged in your skull? Arrows shot into your face and abdomen? Tired of losing limbs? Well with just 1 shot of FIRST AID SPRAY you can be as GOOD AS NEW! Yes just 1 can of FIRST AID SPRAY can heal your EVERY injury no matter HOW bad it is! ORDER NOW!

XXX Billy XXX

Billy walked through the hallway of the train, several zombies layed there not moving, their eyes followed Billy's movements.

"Psst..Frankie... Hey Frankie.. Lets grab him.." mummbled the first zombie.

The second zombie whispered "SSH!... I aint fuckin with him man!...He's a convict!.." he whispered.

"Oh snap..But he has a nice ass.." the other one mummbled

Billy aimed his pistol at them "Im'a pop a cap in your ass you homo-out of shape flesh junkies!" he yelled as he opened fire.

Once the zombies were dead Billy reloaded his pistol "No homo..." he said before rushing off, he came to a locked door that was the conductors office. "Damnit.." he mummbled as he walked off only to find another locked door "Damnit! No wonder everyone died! Nobody knows how to unlock a fuckin door!" he yelled before rushing back the way he came.

Billy soon found himself in a kitchen, the place was a mess and much to his dismay he could find no booz. But he did find a dumb weighter, and a shiney button that was just begging to be pushed. And so he did.. Down came the dumb weighter and a key. Billy took the key and examined it "Damn.. Its not sharp enough to kill anyone with.." he mummbled before rushing back to the locked door.

Billy rushed through the train at convict speed, running wildly towards the locked door before jumping and kicking the door visciously, somehow with that one kick the door flew off its hinges and into the darkness of the conductors room.

'You no longer need this key, discard it?'

The words apeared above Billy as he blinked "Who the fuck are you!" he asked loudly

'Look..I am the spirit of Resident Evil here to provide useless assistance... Just shut up, answer the damn question Yes or No before I decide to kill you.. It wont even be creative.. I'll just stab you in the fucking eye with the letter A.."

Billy's eye twitched before nodding as the key vanished and he entered the room without a second thought.

Inside the room Billy found a bag with a key, there was a letter but he was too cool to stop and read it, he opened a secret panel in the cieling and climbed up.

There was a long passenger car to which didn't need much description other then it was full of junk. He continued his way forward into the next car.

Inside the next car was a massive pile of slimey eggs, the eggs looked like something Billy had seen in a fish pond when he was younger, deciding not to crush the eggs for fun he rushed into the closest room and grabbed everything he could carry including a hunting shotgun a key and a box of shotgun shells. "Alright! now I'm a REAL man!" he roared as he blew the door off its hinges with the shotgun, rushing back to the main car.

As he entered the rail car a giant scorpion smashed through the roof, its fangs dripping with venom as it stared Billy down, its massive size taking up the entire hallway and its venomous tail curled above it ready to strike. Billy opened fire, the sound of a bullet proof PING PING PING sounding through out the car.

"What the hell! Do you really think this is fucking fair!" Billy asked annoyed.

THe scorpion rolled its many eyes "Just shoot me in the head.." it stated in a british accent.

"Oh ok.." Billy said before unloading all his shotgun shells into the Scorpions skull, ending its very existance. Billy grinned and rushed back to the kitchen car blowing away anything in his way. Billy placed the random sharp object that was never mentioned into the dumb weighter.

XXX Rebecca XXX

Rebecca layed there on the floor beneath the hole she had fallen into, the rain falling upon her face as a constant reminder that she wasn't dreaming. "Maybe praying would help.." she said "Oh Jesus.,.. Please let me out of this room.." she prayed. As if by coincidence the dumb weighter dinged, a sharp object sat within it and Rebecca picked it up "Thanks Jesus!" she exclaimed

"No problem Bro.." Said Jesus in a reefer manner before disapearing.

Rebecca opened the door with the sharp object!

XXX Train car XXX

Within the train a pile of eggs quickly began to hatch, leeches began pouring out of them and screetching.

"Freeeeeeeeee!" they screeched

XXX Billy & Rebecca XXX

Now the newly rejoined Rebecca and Billy having made their way to the back of the train, Billy found the manliest of all guns! A grappling hook gun!

"Its MINE Rebecca!" he shouted as he shielded it with his body Rebecca growled "No way! You got the Shotgun!" she exclaimed before trying to get passed him.

"Too bad Princess! You can't get it without me pulling that lever over there! And I wont do it..." he said triumphantly

Rebecca's eyes narrowed before she walked over to the lever "Fine..Have it your way.." she said as she grabbed the lever and pulled... But alas she was too weak to pull the lever.

"Step aside Barbie! Let the MAN handle this!" Billy exclaimed as he walked over and yanked the lever down

Rebecca shrugged with a smirk "Whatever you say.." she said as she grabbed the grappline gun off the hook.

Billy realizing he had been tricked simply pouted.

Rebecca struck a pose "Super Female wonder girl! hyper powers GO!" she exclaimed before rushing back into the train at Classic Resident Evil speed. "AH! I hit a wall! STUPID CLASSIC CONTROLS!" she cried

Billy laughed before following.

XXX Train Engine XXX

At the front of the train... a small assembly of Umbrella Special Forces had assembled.

"Train is on rout to the Bio Naughtiness Facility..." Said operative number 1 who would be dead soon.

"Excellent..." said un important operative number 2 who will not be mentioned again, before an awkward silence hit

"So..." mummbled operative number 3.

As if by some twisted Capcom convenciance, a swarm of leeches began dropping down on the 2nd operative who is about to die.

"Oh my god!" screamed operative number 1 before he opened fire, killing his team mate in the process.

"You killed him!" shouted operative number 3 who was angry.

"Oh gee number 1 I never thought of it like...SHUT the hell up!" he shouted before the leeches lunged at them... Their dying screams would never be heard.

Up upon the mountain a man in a lab coat held his hands to the sky

XXX Billy and Rebecca XXX

Billy kicked in the door to the train engine, running past several dead bodies and into the main engine room. Rebecca stopped only to poke the corpses of the operatives with a stick. "heh...Dead people.." she mummbled before following after Billy.

"Rebecca! This train is on a crash course with a building! I can't stop it! So I'm sending you to go and hit the emergency brake at the very back of the train!"

Rebecca blinked "WHY IS THE EMERGENCY BRAKE WAY THE FUCK BACK THERE!" she asked

Billy shrugs "Because Capcom has to make shit WAY too complicated! I mean jesus christe! I'd have to solve a zillion puzzles just to get to the fuckin pisser!" he growled "By the way Becky...Don't screw up.."

Rebecca looked at him "Gee.. Thanks for the confidence ASSHOLE.." she said before rushing out the door.

The dead operatives stood up "Look...Its the bitch who poked me with a stick!"

Rebecca screamed and ran past them.

Another Zombie stood up "Im so Hungry.."

Rebecca screamed and ran past him.

As she entered the next car she saw her dead team mate feasting on a corpse

"...W...wha..?"

Her team mate slowly turned around "Gaaahhhh... Rebecca! how are you?" he asked

Rebecca blinked "Oh um..I'm good..Are you okay?"

"Yeah I'm fine..I woke up and was soooo hungry... I think I'll cook the meat next time.."

Rebecca laughed "Oh your so silly...Wait..Is that a stain?" she asked before unloading a clip into his filthy carcass

Her team mate dropped dead

Rebecca reloaded her gun before rushing to the back of the train and pulling the emergency brake

'Please imput 8 digit code equivilent to 36'

Rebecca's eye twitched "NOBODY TOLD ME I NEEDED MATH! WHAT THE HELL CAPCOM!"

Rebecca spent a moment doodling on her hand the math before she punched in "9 9 3 3 3 3 3 3" with a smirk "I'm such a bitch" she giggled

XXX Billy XXX

Billy looked at the monitor before he began punching in numbers while reading a cheat code website off his phone "I'm such a dick.." he laughed

The trains brakes began a screeching halt as it slid into the Bio naughtiness facility, an explosion occuring as both Rebecca and Billy were flung from the train along with any and all Items that were left sitting around.

END OF CHAPTER 2

Humor Commentary:

Rebecca's obvious aspect: I decided since ALOT of stuff in resident evil is obvious that Rebecca would be the one to point these things out, but as all people who have played resident evil, alot of times you can see this stuff coming before it even happens, such as when someone is watching you play and they point out the obvious..

Herbs: Oh come on... EVERYBODY knows this joke! I mean really! This is a GREAT messege for the kids! Hey kids are you hurt? Do you feel sick? Or not well? Well! Just eat some random weeds you find laying about and EVERYTHING will BE okay!

First Aid Spray: Yeah.. Everybodies best friend in Resident Evil.. The magical full health in a can!

Fuck You Sir: Well you would be surprised but I'm at Job Corps right now.. A member of HBI (Home Builders Institute) I'm learning to do construction.. But this phrase actially flies around ALOT between me and my friends, see we have to be respectful! And nothing says respect when arguing then FUCK YOU SIR!

Billy Coen's Macho Aspect: In my family we have a gender war, Dicks VS Vagina, when my brothers or father are right about something and my sisters, me and my mother are wrong they laugh "No balls! You'd have to have a dick to understand" and this is where I get my macho male ego personality for Billy. Of course my family is all joking of course, we DO respect eachother.


	3. 3 Veggie Monsters and Gender Wars!

Authors Note: Alright! I managed to play some more of the game and honestly I was stumped for almost 15 minutes before I found the Crank handle in the lounge lol. But as anyone who loves the classic Resident Evils would know... When you stop playing the game mid way through it and start again almost a month and a half later... You have NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT YOU WERE DOING!... Heh anyway.. I'm back on track now...

Disclaimer: This is a fan based Parody, Resident Evil and all of its characters are owned by Capcom, I own nothing more then the humorous atmosphere of this fan fiction. READ AND REVIEW lol

P.S. I will do my best with this chapter but I havent found very much so far to make unbelievably funny, so I'm going to wing it like I did in the last chapter. (Also.. I forgot who the man in the first cut scene at the research facility was that was with Wesker... Was it Sergai or William?.. I'm going to have to be as discreet as possible until I find out..Its been almost 2 months since I stopped playing to catch up on the fan fiction...Damn Lazyness...Damn Skyrim Addiction...Fucking X box 360... I love it...)

SIDE NOTE: I did find ALOT to make fun of this time around.. But I worry that I may have gone too far.. But then again writing a humerous parody is hard because its hard to laugh at your own jokes so we wait for reviews to let us know what we're doing right.

The Story so far...Sort of:

Last time! After Bravo teams helicopter exploded due to their drunk pilot and a mysterious blow up the engines button, Rebecca Chambers set out to investigate the escaped convict of a tipped over ice cream truck! Figuring that the only place an escaped convict would go was a scarey train! Rebecca boarded what she thought was the Polar Express! Only seconds later to find out that the Polar Express had become inhabited by flesh eating Emo dead people! Nom Nom Nom! She quickly used her superior womens intuition to get attacked by dogs, team up with a murdering escaped convict, walk on the roof of a speeding train, get high on herbs, shoot more emo monsters, pick up random shiney objects and solve a math problem that inevitably caused the train to crash! Now she and the Dashing but super ego maniac, Billy Coen are about to embark on their next leg of their journey knowing that they were safe! But they were wrong... So wrong... So so wrong... So so FUCKING wrong! AHAHAHA!

Chapter 3: Veggie monsters and Gender Wars!

Rebecca layed there in the dirt, the trains burning wreckage only a short distance away. Her face and clothes were covered in soot and dirt, all the while she was drowning in her unconciousness. A short distance away Billy groaned as he stood up holding his arm, he looked over to see Rebecca laying there motionless he thought for a moment at something his father had said to him while he watched her unconsciou yet somehow attractive body "Unconscious girls can't say no!" he thought out loud with a laugh at the memory of his father

Rebecca awoke several moments later to Billy giving her mouth to mouth.

"AAH!" howled Billy in pain as he was punched in the jaw

"Perve!" shouted Rebecca before standing up and dusting herself off.

XXX Albert Wesker XXX

Wesker sat in a chair typing away at the research facilities computer, a man standing behind him watching. "It would seem that our men on the train had a little too much to drink.." Said Wesker as he typed.

"Well...They are disposable.." Said the un known man.

"...Quite.." Agreed Wesker simply before looking over at the secuirity monitor, Rebecca and Billy were walking into the Facility.

"Who are they...?" Asked the un known man

"A Rookie from STARS Bravo Team..." he said as he watched her ass secretly giving a smirk thinking of all the "experiments" he could do with her, it was then that he remembered that he was evil and he frowned "As for the other one..I'm not sure..However I assure you they wont become an issue.." he said as he stood up "We must continue our research on the mysterious Bio Naughty anti-Jesus that is running around..." he stated before walking off.

XXXX Rebecca & Billy XXXX

Rebecca walked into the main Hall quietly, her echoing foot steps holding no presidence to the purpose of Stealth. "Look a typewriter!" Exclaimed Billy

"So..?" Rebecca asked

Billy grinned "Stupid Heffah.. That means we can't die here!" he exclaimed

Rebecca blinked "...Did you just call me a pregnant cow?"

Billy ran over to the typewriter and began to record their progress

"Billy's Log... We managed to survive the horrifying crash caused by Rebecca's failure at life.." Billy said out loud as he typed

"ME?" cried out Rebecca "Your over sized ego probably tipped the train over you jack ass!" she shouted

Billy continued to type "After single handedly saving Rebecca from her failure at life... I now must take it upon myself to make sure we survive... I forever get the sense that Rebecca is distracted by my raw man power.." He said as he typed

Rebecca's eye twitched as she gripped her gun

"We apear to be in some kind of fancy home... I have a gut instinct that our troubles are not over but my biggest fear is that Rebecca's womanly hormones will make it impossible for her to control her obvious attraction to...AAAHHH!" screamed Billy as he fell over holding his groin, Rebecca having fired the blunted end of the grappling hook right into his family heirloom before storming off.

"Damn my..m..manly charm.." Billy wimpered

XXX Rebecca XXX

Rebecca walked through the hallway quietly, her handgun held at strategic point as she cautioned herself down the hallway towards a doorway, she slowly opened the door and peeked inside, it was a restroom of unspeakable filth, swallowing down her disgust she entered, her gun held ready as she looked around. She found a zombie monster man standing there staring at the urinal

Rebecca not wasting a moment opened fire on the zombie monster man

"OW! What the hell bitch?" he shouted after being shot in the back

"Die you unholy maggot sniffer!" she shouted angrily before firing again

"AH! My eye!" he cried out as he turned around, Rebecca unloaded the rest of her clip

The zombie staggered back before growling "Thats it! Uncle Zombie guy gonna make you his bitch!" he cried out before exploding into leaches "Suck her dry boys!"

The leeches glided across the floor swiftly towards rebecca chanting in unison "Sex! Sex! Sex! Sex! Sex! Sex!" when suddenly Billy kicked the door open and opened fire with his shotgun blowing the sex hungry leeches away.

Rebecca sighed with relief as she reloaded her gun, Billy walked up as he put 2 fresh shells into his Hunting Shotgun "I just saved you AGAIN..Stupid Heffah.." he said with a smirk

Rebecca put her pistol away and clapped sarcastically "Congradulations...You just blew away a bunch of smaller life forms... Any liquered up hillbilly with a shotgun at the zoo could of done the same.." she said before walking out.

Billy pouted "Harsh..."

As they walked out of the bathroom they soon became aware of a ugly zombie plant man staggering towards them "uunng..." it moaned

Billy laughed "Aww! Isn't he cute? He wishes he could be healthy!" Billy teased the zombies vegtable apearance

Rebecca was freaking out "What the hell is that thing?" she shrieked

The plant zombie's arm stretched slamming Rebecca into the wall "AAH!" she screamed in pain as the Vegtable zombie began beating the day lights out of her. "I punish those who don't eat their veggies!" moaned the vegtable zombie

Billy just watched as he flexed his bicepts "He's right Rebecca... You don't get looking this good not eating your veggies.." he said

Rebecca screamed as she curled up in the closest thing to the armadillo that she could manage "Billy for the love of god! Help me!"

Billy sighed "Fine.." he said before blowing the vegtable zombie away with his shotgun.

Rebecca groaned in pain

Billy laughed "Damnit Rebecca! Stop laying around! We have work to do!" he shouted

Rebecca growled as she sprayed herself with the first aid spray she found on the train. "Fuck you Billy..." she mummbled as she stood up.

XXX Kevin XXX

Back at the Bravo Team Helicopter, Kevin sat reading a playboy magazine when suddenly... A group of Getto Zombies surrounded his helicopter pounding on the windows, their skin was red and they had visciously getto claws, they screamed as they began breaking the windows in

"OH MY GOD! I'm way to drunk for this shit!" screamed Kevin before the zombies began ripping away at him "AAAHHH! I'm dying! Oh god I'm dying! i'm too drunk to feel it but I smell my own blood! Jesus Christe help me!" he screamed

Suddenly a gunshot rang out, Jesus stood there holding a Heaven-Eleven hand gun "Dramatic deaths are a sin bro..."

XXX Rebecca and Billy XXX

After hours of running around the first floor of the facility, it soon became clear that they were in some sort of Umbrella secret researcher training mansion.. They spent much time running around aimlessly finding locked doors, Billy picked up a box of random shotgun ammo

"Why the hell is there ammo laying all over the god damn place?" he asked

XXX Flash Back XXX

Albert Wesker stood there next to William Birkin as he placed the last of the random ammunition down into an un named room. "Excellent work Albert.." said Birkin

"Tell me again why we hid all the ammo all over the place..?" asked Wesker

"Isn't it obvious..?" Asked Birkin "With our armory completely empty...We now have room for a staff lounge.." he said with a smirk

Wesker's eye twitched as he began mummbling "Oh god why do I even work here...Soon it'll all be over...They'll all be dead...Victems to the T-virus or hopefully some horrible STD.." he mummbled

XXX End Flash Back XXX

Billy sighed as he put the handle into the crank, Rebecca jumping onto the elevator "Alrighty! Raise me up!" she exclaimed

"Wait just a god damn second! What makes you think your stupid barbie ass gets to go in the elevator?" he asked angrily

Rebecca grinned "Because...I have a vagina and the size of your ego would blow out the elevator gears!" she shot back

Billy frowned "You win this round.." he mummbled before turning the crank and raising the elevator.

Suddenly the elevator gears gave out once the elevator reached the top "Oh good job! your Heffah ass broke it!" he called up

"Fuck you SIR!" she called down before taking a look around, she apeared to be in a very large pool room filled with machines and cages. She sighed as she decided to start searching for any clues or shiny objects.

END OF CHAPTER 3

XXX Gender War Score XXX

Billy Coen total score: 3

(saved rebecca x 2, gave "mouth to mouth")

Rebecca Chambers total score: 2

( Leech dis, Elevator Dis)

XXX Humor Commentary XXX

Wesker & Birkin: Honestly I didn't know how to make this funny... Usually in my PARODIES Wesker is the most sane and intelligant person. Usually it is the main character that suffers from A.D.D. (Attention Deficett Disorder) Or even A.D.O.S. (Attention Deficett OOH SHINEY!)

Billy VS Rebecca: Clearly the tension between Billy's macho super ego and Rebecca's female status is getting tense, in my original R.E. 1 PARODY poor Rebecca had to put up with Chris and his un matched stupidity.. But this is her chance to stand a chance before she meets her downfall at the spencer estate.

Leeches: I suppose when I see them in the cut scenes they look so terrifying.. But when you see them harmlessly wiggling around all over the god damn place in the gameplay one thing comes to mind.. "HAHA they think their scarey!..So I decided to give them an un achievable goal.. As well as hint off some Rebecca X Leech hentai humor

Jesus: Well... They always did say Jesus was the savior... But even a savior hates annoying people... And nothing is worse then someone who doesn't know when to go into the light...

Random Ammo: yeah...This is just me being stupid lol, the ONLY game that actially gave purpose to random ammo was Resident Evil 2 when the Chief had gave the order to devide up and hide the ammunition so the terrorists (AKA the un known zombies) couldn't sieze the armory and use it against them.. Too bad it was all a lie to get everyone killed..


	4. Chapter 4 Get the Bug Spray!

Resident Evil 0 PARODY

Hello peeps and peepetts! This is another chapter for the adventures of billy and Rebecca, I mean..resident evil 0 parody lol. I might start updating as much as possible, I beat the game so my details on the lay out of the facility are a bit sketchy since I did it so long ago, I had several chapters I had completed in colledge both for my resident evil 0 and 5 parodies but my laptops screen refuses to light up when I turn it on so I need that fixed somehow...

Chapter 3: Bug spray please!

Billy sighed as he finally decided the crank elevator was done for, he called upto Rebecca "Hey Princess! im gonna go find another way around!" he called out and rushed out the door.  
>Once out in the hall he made his way around the corner and stopped seeing a Zombie. "...Uncle Bob?" he asked recognizing the Zombie.<p>

The zombie turned around and groaned "Billy..? Why did you stop writing to me?" he asked as he made his way towards Billy slowly. Billy started backing away "I'm sorry uncle Bob.. I had shit to do like being framed for an ice cream murder.." he said. The zombie staggered closer "Billy.. I always wanted to tell you.." he began before Billy shot him in the head with one shot "Maaan.. SHUT the FUCK up.." he said waving his hand dismissively and rushing onward.

XXX Rebecca XXX

Rebecca slowly made her way down a set of stone stairs, she saw 2 doors and opened the first one slowly entering the room. Inside there was 2 large bugs, they looked at her and chittered something before rushing at her. Rebecca screamed as she opened fire with her pistol "EW! EW!" she screamed and kicked one of them away "Bitch!" cried out one of the bugs as it watched its bro punted across the room "Die bug!" she exclaimed and stomped on the other one repeatedly "GAAHHHHH! I'll sue!" it screeched before dying. Rebecca panted softly for a moment before looking around, she picked up a grenade launcher from the couch and grinned before picking up some shotgun ammo and tucking it into her bag.

Once Rebecca was finished she stepped out of the room and unlocked the door to the room and as if on cue Billy kicked open the door roaring, Rebecca was knocked on her ass and groaned some in annoyance "Damnit Billy.." she complained. Billy grinned "I think as long as you land on your butt you'll be fine.." he commented, Rebecca blushed and stood up "I found a cage, but you have to crank it.." she said. "Da Fuck!?" Billy replied "What is with the cranks in this series!?" he asked wondering about the many cranks of resident evil.

They hurried up the steps and Billy began to raise the cage using the machine.  
>Rebecca hopped down the ladder and rushed over to the shiney object picking it up.<p>

Rebecca acquired the Facility Key

Once she tucked it away a screech was heard as a giant centipede burst from an air vent, squirming its legs around before snatching up Rebecca in a hug. "AH! BILLY! HELP!" she screamed frantically Billy sighed and rubbed his temples quietly mumbling to himself "Oh lord please...Let this bitch suffer some unspeakable torture only hours after we part ways.." he said before cocking his hunting gun and shouting ironically "DONT WORRY BECKY! IM COMING FOR YOU!"

Author: "Oh god... A RE4 reference.."

Billy rushed after the centipede as it aimlessly wandered the room he fired once shooting it in the belly, Rebecca cried out "What if you shoot me!?" she asks frantically as Billy unloaded another round into it. "Then I'll find a herb for you!" he exclaimed.

After many shotgun rounds the Centipede finally dropped Rebecca and thrashed around screeching "Tell kids I love them!" it said before collapsing to the ground.

Rebecca slowly got up and Billy walked upto her "You okay?" he asked with a smile. Rebecca looked at him for a long moment and smiled giving the thumbs up "Yeah.. Thanks" she said sincerely. Billy grinned "Good, I need all the practice I can get if I gotta keep saving your sweet ass" he says winking. Rebecca frowned. "BITCH shut UP!" she exclaimed before storming off.

XXX Rebecca XXX

Rebecca walked down the hallway quietly huffing about her anger "Stupid Billy.. Thinks he can treat me like that..I'll show him.. I don't need his help.." she says quietly as she entered the main big hallway, making her way back down to the typewriter she began typing "Rebecca 04 - Big Hallway - "It has become clear that this facility is much more then a research facility.. I cannot help but distress that I may infact shoot Billy and feed his body to the undead, one body part at a time.." she typed before sliding the typewriter back and finishing her recording.

Slowly she made her way up the stairway and walked into the room with desks, quietly she walked off to the left and opened a doorway, heading down the hall she opened another doorway using the Red Facility key. Inside there was a dark room and a table, after pushing the table to solve a small riddle she pried a clock hand needle out of the eye of a moose.

"Thanks babe.." said the moose head decoration.. Rebecca Blinked and screamed "ITS EVIL!" and fell backwards off the table and landed hard onto a night stand. A memo landed on her as she picked it up and read it.

"September 2nd...

Another bunch of useless Trainees.. Where does Headquarters find these idiots!?  
>We did get a couple of good ones though.. William and Albert.. They might have a future.<p>

September 25th...

Scholar Will and Practical Al... They are so competitive in everything they do.. The staff lounge was all shot up with freeze grenades over something about.. The perfect Ice Cream.. I don't know..Theres something ruthless about the both of them..

October 7th...

The Director has encouraged a Rivalry between the two!

It is the first time in a long time that Director Marcus has shown interest in anything but his own research!.. Well whatever... Once I am finished.. I'll have them tearing at eachothers throats.. All I need is a bottle of honey, 3 gum balls, some pheromones and Williams wife.. Oh what fun they will have.."

Rebecca blinked after reading the messege "Ew.." she mumbled to herself before standing up.

XXX Billy XXX

Billy rushed down the hallway and fired his pistol at a veggie zombie "DIE FRUIT HATER!" he roared as the veggie zombie swelled up like a balloon as it walked towards him "Da FUCK!?" he exclaimed walking backwards, suddenly it exploded sending veggies in all directions "AAHHH!" screamed Billy as he fell against the wall "...I...Becky..I need First Aid Spray.." he said into the radio "...The Relish...It burns.." he groaned

XXX Rebecca XXX

Rebecca picked up her radio hearing Billy calling for assistance "Billy where are you!?" she called out as she rushed out of the room. "..The first floor...Hurry.. There's beats and baby carrots everywhere.." he said weakly Rebecca rushed to him as fast as she could, only stopping once to pick up random ammo. Once she arrived she slid on her knee's dramatically "DIVE DIVE! TUCK AND ROLL!" she exclaimed, Billy cried out "AH! PUSH A!" he called out as Rebecca successfully struck the action command promted and avoided crashing into the table in a fit of randomness, pulling out the first aid spray she sprayed Billy with it. "WE WIN!" she called out.

Billy stood up flexing his muscles "WOO! You got the moves Becky!" he said Rebecca smacked him upside the head "Damn right I do cause Im.." Billy interrupted her "BITCH shut UP" he said before proceeding onward. Rebecca sighed as she followed after him. They entered the dining room as a single zombie over in the corner looked at them "Im going to bite you.." he said slowly staggering towards them. "Come on Rebecca lets open this door.." he said. Rebecca blinked "Should I shoot him?" she asks reffering to the zombie. "No he's a waste of ammo" stated Billy.

"A waste of ammo!?" gasped the Zombie "Yes a waste of ammo" stated Billy "You sure?!" asked Rebecca aiming her pistol "It aint nothing but a word!" she said cocking it ready to pull the trigger Billy unlocked the door as the magic words told him he no longer needed the key "Damn right I don't! Get the fuck outa here!" he said throwing the key at the zombie before dragging Rebecca into the room.

Inside was a Kitchen, After a not so careful search Billy found some lighter fluid for his Lighter "Fucken sweet!" he said before looking at Rebecca "Now I can burn shit.." Rebecca frowned "No billy..Arsen is BAD.." she said. "So is your ability to stay out of trouble.." mumbled Billy

END of Chapter 4


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